Why can't I forgive myself for this?

I love my best friend but she doesnt feel the same but idc aslong as she's just my friend and nothing intimate (cuz i'm not ready for a bf/gf) and we used to be so close until i let my anger get to me and i yelled at her out jealousy and made her cry 3 different times. I hated and cried seeing the pain in her eyes and i still do cry thinking about the pain i caused her. i can't forgive myself for what i did. it hurts worse just thinking about it when i don't want to. what the **** was i thinking back then. she didnt deserve any of that. It's really hard i don't want to think about this and as much as im trying to move on with my life it's just really hard cuz her won't allow us to talk (even tho we disobeyed them twice but now we both aren't allowed, even my parents say so). moving on is easier said than done. and i have been doing my best to move on. I've tried to pray for the strength to move on. I've moved on and have forgiven myself for every other wrongdoing in my life but why is it i can forgive myself for this?